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Like Old Barbed Wire Embedded in a Tree’s Heartwood

So depressed.

Damon’s condition has worsened to the point where he hasn’t even spoken to me in three days. 
His mother has been away, and so he literally locked himself in her room and hasn’t spoken to me.
His Facebook status right now is about ‘evaporating’ to Tasmania.

I went and had a talk with one of the Sari-Saris on our street, and he owes them close to P700 in a matter of five days.
All of it went to booze and smokes.
He told them he couldn’t get to the bank to get money out because there were brownouts due to the typhoon.
They said the last time he got rum from them was this past Monday, and that he was shaking and already drunk.

First of all, the Typhoon didn’t effect our area.
Second, he doesn’t have a Philippine bank account.
Third, that’s not the only Sari-Sari that extends him credit in this town, and last month he owed the other place P800, which he paid off by stealing money from his mother.

Who knows how much he owes to people around this town.

Needless to say, my dream of going to a Typhoon-effected area is kinda dead at this point and now I have to worry about either coming up with $1,500 for a plane ride back to Canada, or coming up with over P30,000 to rent something here in Dumaguete by myself.

Either way, excuse my language, I’m fucking fucked.

I feel so sad, lonely, duped, and stupid.
Embarrassed and ashamed.
Lonelier than I’ve ever felt, and very, very scared.

Living with someone who has addiction issues is very tough.
Sometimes there is a chance for rehabilitation of the person, but sometimes there isn’t, and being the loved one of someone with addiction issues is even tougher, because you have to know where and when to draw that line, and you have to be strong enough to stand by your decisions.

I did a good bit of research the other day regarding alcoholism, alcohol abuse & dependence, and biological effects, both short and long term, of alcohol use.

From this I’ve come to the conclusion that Damon is in the late stages of severe alcohol dependence, and I have a feeling he’s going to kill himself if he keeps going the way he is.
He’s drinking a pint or more of 80 proof dark rum a day…….I think he’s damaged his health and brain to the point of no return, and has underlying psychological factors as well that would make quitting next-to-impossible for him.
He has severe ataxia, and his irritability, depression, and paranoia are skyrocketing every day.

I actually don’t know how many times he hasn’t been able to get access to alcohol in the last year, but if he has had to stop for a few days and re-start, his body and brain would be experiencing a ‘kindling’ effect, where each withdrawal episode is worse than the last, which leads to much faster deterioration of the body….seizures, extreme mood changes, possible cardiomyopathy, hepatitis, and other effects.

He’s killing himself, and he doesn’t even care….in fact, he tells me he wants to die.
From a cold, removed point of view…I don’t believe there is any rehabilitating him.
From a devoted wife’s point of view, I still hold out hope that there will be a day in the future that he snaps out of it’s grip, comes back to reality, and wants to get sober.

I want to help him, be there for him, fix him, take the pain away…….
But I know from personal experience with addiction that the only person that can help someone is themselves.
The age-old adage of ‘Can’t help you unless you want help’ is unfortunately all too true.

It’s heartbreaking.
I’ve become attached to things here….my cats…the people…the house and garden and neighbors…..my damn husband and his mother….and forcing myself to think of alternative options is killing me emotionally. 
Even writing this out is making me tear up.
It just sucks.

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Posted by on November 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Nobody Dances Sober – Unless They Happen to Be Insane

Gosh, yesterday started off so badly, but the ending of the night was wicked-awesome.
Damon and I were supposed to go in town, do a tiny but of food shopping, then get him a shave…but instead, he sent me to the sari-sari, and I bought myself two bottles of Red Horse, a pack of smokes and picked him up another bottle of rum.

By four in the afternoon, I was drunk, and he went to bed and passed out until around eight pm.
When he got up, we listened to some Tom Waits and chatted until he started getting into a mood, and I wasn’t having it at all…I told him I was going for smokes, and I set off for the sari-sari…which I found out…was closed tight.

I headed off in the other direction, absolutely determined to find smokes, but every store I passed was shut for the night.
I passed some guy on his motorbike, and he grabbed my hand and tried to get me to go for a drive with him…he kept saying he was a friend… but I was just like…’Nope, I need smokes, and I have a husband, no thank you.’

I kept on walking, then passed a group of people all just hanging out, they asked what I was doing out walking so late, and I told them also,  ‘I need smokes, I’m going to buy smokes.’
I asked if any of they had a cigarette, but they all said no, so I kept on walking.

In my mind, if I had to walk all the darn way into town for cigarettes, I would.
I got to the intersection, and two of the dudes who were hanging in the group of people drove beside me and yelled to me like ‘Hey, friend, you need smokes, come this way’ and pointed up the street…I was like ‘Are you sure??’ and they said yes, so I said fine, and followed them.

I told them I was from Canada, living with my husband, no children, blah blah, all the usual stuff, one was about 20 and one I think was 23…I said I was 28, two years older than I am…I don’t really know why, but I figured it would give me an edge if they were going to try anything insane, they’d be less likely to if I was much older than them.

Turned out that the store they had in mind was just selling bread, so we kept walking.
One of them texted someone, and they got the cigarette hook up, but it would be a bit of a walk, so I waited with one of them while the other went back, got his bike, and came back…we drove to the end of a street, and met up with some girl who gave us some fruit…I forget what it was but it was really tasty, and it split into sections, like a tangerine, but had a texture like lychee fruit, and tasted kind of sweet.
I actually just remembered I stashed one of the seeds in my pocket, and it looks like a wrinkly green bean.

Anyway, after some time, two other guys drove up, and one handed me a smoke. 
I freakin’ enjoyed it quite a bit, I was jonesing at that point.
We all kinda just stood around, they were talking in Vasay, so I didn’t really understand, but after I was done of my smoke, we followed the girl down a path, and came out beside a giant dance party happening in a basketball court…

They call them Discos here, but it’s basically just a DJ set up with cool strobey lights and everyone hanging around and dancing…along the sides of the road people were selling rum, smokes, candy, all that kinda stuff, so I finally got to pick up my two elusive packs of smokes.

We hung around some more, till someone said it’d cost all four of us twenty pesos to get into the dance area, so I pulled out a 20 and handed it to them, and we went in.

Everyone was kind of just standing around, one of the dudes just stood there with his arms crossed, and I sat down for a few minutes to look around, survey the scene, see if they were the dancey-type, you know…and after my smoke was done, I got up, walked over and just started to dance like a silly person.

I was poking fun of Mr. Crossed-Arms by dancing with my own arms crossed, I gave a ton of people high fives, and just generally did my dance-floor-thang, loosened everyone else up by making a total fool of myself, and got them kind of partially dancing…sort of… haha

After a while, I felt exhausted and overheated and I had to pee, so I got the two dudes to walk me home…which wasn’t really all that far away from the Disco whatsoever, and they live on the same street, so that’s really awesome, I may have made new friends finally!!

They actually walked me right to my gate.

All in all, it was a SUPER fun night, and I’m glad I decided to go out walking, even though they told me on the way home, ‘Its so dangerous to walk around at night..’
Ha! 

Today, I added a rock-table beside the fire-pit, and made a spit!
I also took some more pictures of the yard that I shall leave you with now.
I’ll take pictures of the spit tonight while we’re roasting on it.

Happy Samhain, Happy Halloween, & Happy New Years!!!

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Posted by on October 31, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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