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Like Old Barbed Wire Embedded in a Tree’s Heartwood

21 Nov

So depressed.

Damon’s condition has worsened to the point where he hasn’t even spoken to me in three days. 
His mother has been away, and so he literally locked himself in her room and hasn’t spoken to me.
His Facebook status right now is about ‘evaporating’ to Tasmania.

I went and had a talk with one of the Sari-Saris on our street, and he owes them close to P700 in a matter of five days.
All of it went to booze and smokes.
He told them he couldn’t get to the bank to get money out because there were brownouts due to the typhoon.
They said the last time he got rum from them was this past Monday, and that he was shaking and already drunk.

First of all, the Typhoon didn’t effect our area.
Second, he doesn’t have a Philippine bank account.
Third, that’s not the only Sari-Sari that extends him credit in this town, and last month he owed the other place P800, which he paid off by stealing money from his mother.

Who knows how much he owes to people around this town.

Needless to say, my dream of going to a Typhoon-effected area is kinda dead at this point and now I have to worry about either coming up with $1,500 for a plane ride back to Canada, or coming up with over P30,000 to rent something here in Dumaguete by myself.

Either way, excuse my language, I’m fucking fucked.

I feel so sad, lonely, duped, and stupid.
Embarrassed and ashamed.
Lonelier than I’ve ever felt, and very, very scared.

Living with someone who has addiction issues is very tough.
Sometimes there is a chance for rehabilitation of the person, but sometimes there isn’t, and being the loved one of someone with addiction issues is even tougher, because you have to know where and when to draw that line, and you have to be strong enough to stand by your decisions.

I did a good bit of research the other day regarding alcoholism, alcohol abuse & dependence, and biological effects, both short and long term, of alcohol use.

From this I’ve come to the conclusion that Damon is in the late stages of severe alcohol dependence, and I have a feeling he’s going to kill himself if he keeps going the way he is.
He’s drinking a pint or more of 80 proof dark rum a day…….I think he’s damaged his health and brain to the point of no return, and has underlying psychological factors as well that would make quitting next-to-impossible for him.
He has severe ataxia, and his irritability, depression, and paranoia are skyrocketing every day.

I actually don’t know how many times he hasn’t been able to get access to alcohol in the last year, but if he has had to stop for a few days and re-start, his body and brain would be experiencing a ‘kindling’ effect, where each withdrawal episode is worse than the last, which leads to much faster deterioration of the body….seizures, extreme mood changes, possible cardiomyopathy, hepatitis, and other effects.

He’s killing himself, and he doesn’t even care….in fact, he tells me he wants to die.
From a cold, removed point of view…I don’t believe there is any rehabilitating him.
From a devoted wife’s point of view, I still hold out hope that there will be a day in the future that he snaps out of it’s grip, comes back to reality, and wants to get sober.

I want to help him, be there for him, fix him, take the pain away…….
But I know from personal experience with addiction that the only person that can help someone is themselves.
The age-old adage of ‘Can’t help you unless you want help’ is unfortunately all too true.

It’s heartbreaking.
I’ve become attached to things here….my cats…the people…the house and garden and neighbors…..my damn husband and his mother….and forcing myself to think of alternative options is killing me emotionally. 
Even writing this out is making me tear up.
It just sucks.

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2 Comments

Posted by on November 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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2 responses to “Like Old Barbed Wire Embedded in a Tree’s Heartwood

  1. Birch

    November 26, 2013 at 2:51 am

    Sending sincere hugs to you. I know your more recent update was much more positive so I’m hoping that that is how things are still going. I totally feel your pain in this post. You’re a tough cookie… keep on keeping on.

     
    • Victoria Flint

      November 26, 2013 at 3:10 am

      Thank You so much….things are still going well, so that’s definitely a positive.
      *hugs back*

       

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