Gah… 12:30 am, but I still maintain I wrote this blog for the 23rd!!!
Only means a Two-In-One for my ten loverly followers so far.
It was a full day, nothing especially exciting, but we went for groceries as a family affair; Damon, I, Donna and Ray… Damon still sick, on the back of Donna’s bike, and me on the back with Ray.
We got through the grocery with me hiding in the corners… I don’t like to get too involved, because back in Canada I had a strict grocery regimen, and here is all over the map with everyone giving suggestions and adding chaos to the carts.
Once all was bought, Ray and I put everything into the carry-bags, loaded both bikes, and we headed home.
Honestly, Damon and I can run through a full grocery in less than a half an hour, but with everyone involved, it takes about two hours.
We got home, everything was put away and sorted, and I decided to sit out on the deck and relax with some Tanduay and Orange Juice.
I thought about this blog and things to talk about, I’ve come up with about seven topics, but the most pressing currently is really, the idea of survival.
To me personally, there is a large difference between the idea of surviving, and living.
In Canada, for about eleven years. I was highly focused on the idea of surviving.
I cannot say in good faith, that I was in a decent place spiritually, mentally, emotionally, let alone physically.
For so long, I was dependent upon the idea that in order to get a good footing in life, I had to rely on others to place me there. I compromised not only my future ideals, but my Self worth and my personal values just to get by, for the longest time. I became hooked by the idea that someone would ‘discover’ me, or would ‘recognize my talent’ and whisk me magically into the life that I ‘deserved’.
Looking back, these lines of thinking are what justified the kinds of crowds I allowed to infiltrate my life.
Countless people, both good and bad, who would use my good nature to further themselves, utilizing my own idealistic agenda to propel themselves into their own perfected dreams of reality… A naive student of life, feeding the immediate masses some skewed vision of paradise, all in hope to eventually save the world.
I felt as though the more I gave of myself to others, the more the world would shine with some kind of prodigious epiphany.
Unfortunately, the world kept turning as before.
Even after I tried to save my best friend’s virginity by sacrificing my own.
Even after I tried to spark a rebellion in my city with my insolent defiance of established law.
Even after giving up on everything and living a life of nomadic homelessness, which so many other youths before me have already done… better than I had, may I add…
The world kept turning it’s ugly face to the sun, and arose no better-faced than the day before.
The bitter struggles of survival are no match for my weak-kneed attempts at shaking the ‘Norm’ of things.
Once I grew compliant with the idea that I would not be the world’s savior, I found myself at a moderate loss in my life.
My whole objective for half of my years on this planet were to change the world, and to save humans.
I figured, No one can save the world… And no one can intrinsically change humans… but to change the whole world, all you have to do is get *ONE* Individual Human to think differently about the life around them… Like the tiniest firespark, all it takes is one flame to ignite an entire forest into burning.
My biggest flaw, yet my biggest joy in life for the longest time, was to put so much care and effort into individual souls that they couldn’t help but to question their entire beings… Their entire way of living.
I not only asked, but pushed the hard questions…
‘Why do you run yourself over, Why do you put so much thought into the past, Why do you not LIVE the life that has been given to you, in the present?’
‘Why do you dwell in a hole, why give that person so much power over you, Why do you allow yourself to be a copy of someone else’s past mistakes?’
‘You realize you are Here, right now?’
‘Do Something, DO something with your Self.’
‘You are Talented in a way that six billion other humans are not.’
‘Show Us what YOU can do.’
Ironically, terribly, and yet most ((excuse me)) fucking brilliantly, I told these things to the most abusive, most cruel, most vapid characters to grace my presence… Not really realizing in the process that I was speaking to the most hurt, most destroyed, and most abandoned parts of my Self.
So, Vicky, what the heck has all of this to do with Survival Vs Living, you ask, Gentle Reader?
I’m not one-hundred percent sure, to be honest.
I am a survivor.
I have been through enough in my life to know that I am equipped to deal with the worst sides of living that there are.
I know that I have seen enough in my life to know I can relate easier to someone battered and bruised in the shadows than I am to someone pampered and preening for the spotlight… Though I have also been in enough places to know there is makeup for those spotlights as well.
I know that there is more darkness in today’s world than sunrises… And I am not naive enough anymore to think that hopes and dreaming can cure a bad situation.
But I still have hope that we can all live free of tyranny, be it global or individual.
I know that if you ask, or ((excuse me)) fuck it, beg for it… more than a few times, help will always be there.
I know for a fact that no situation is unique, thousands of years of humans living, surviving and dragging themselves through the mud does, in fact pay off for those resilient souls that choose to survive.
And I do know… Even though I may not yet be accustomed to the idea, living simply is 100% possible for every human on this earth to achieve if they so choose it.